Self-help

Do You and Your Partner Have an Agreed Upon Marital Vision and Plan?

Posted by marriageisabusiness on February 11, 2014
Posted in: Business, Communication, Leadership, Marriage, Marriage Tools, Partnerships, Preventing Divorce, Psychology, Relationships, Self-help, self-help books, weddings. Leave a comment

In the business world, company mergers occur on a regular basis and these require both a vision and a design plan to fuse two existing entities into one.  A clear description of the vision of the new company, along with a comprehensive plan of action, decreases stress and conflict, conserves time and energy, and expedites the evolution of a fully functioning new organization.

Your marriage has also been a merger of sorts, meshing two individual lives into one successful and smoothly operating relationship.  Developing your marriage begins with a unified vision of the entity you are going to build.

Let’s suppose you decide to start a business with someone. You form a partnership and invest every resource you own in that business. You draw up and sign all the legal documents and begin to feel excited about getting your business up and running!  But before that can happen, you’ll need to nail down exactly how you want your business to look and operate.  Let’s say it’s a restaurant you’re opening.  What’s on the menu?  How many staff will be hired and who will do the hiring?  What hours will each person work?  What will the job descriptions involve?  What about staff training?  And finances?  Policies and procedures?  Who orders supplies?  These are just a few of the many questions you will need to answer before you first open the  doors.

We can apply this business scenario to something a bit more relevant to your relationship.   How about the plans you and your spouse made for your wedding?  Some weddings are very simple and others are quite elaborate. As a couple, how was your wedding design chosen and who implemented the plans?  How were those decisions made?  How were tasks delegated?  Were you happy with the teamwork and the outcome?

Now think back to your decision to marry.  You probably had a picture in your head about what marriage would be like.  The variation in these expectations is endless–anything from a cozy family in a little house with a white picket fence to a dual-career couple living in a downtown high-rise.  How does the picture you held in your heart during your engagement compare with your current reality.  If today you were able to create your ideal marriage, what would that ideal look like?  Compare your vision of that ideal with your partner’s vision,and take note of where they are similar and where they differ.  Are there any surprises?

Your goal as a couple is to come up with one agreed-upon vision, and this is an important step.  Can you imagine what it would be like to work for a company that expects employees to meet opposing goals?  Living in a marriage with conflicting expectations is just as difficult.

HERE’S ONE COUPLE’S STORY: A VISION BUT NO JOINT PLAN:

Diana and Steve’s marriage recently ended in divorce.  During their time together, their marriage reached a crisis point when Diana, having stayed at home to care for their son,stated that she was bored and ready to resume her marketing career.  Steve was ready to add more children to the family and admitted he saw Diana’s role in the marriage as being a traditional stay-at-home mom.  He was against her pursuing her career; she refused to discuss having more children until their differences were resolved.  It seems that both of them had assumed– rather than discussed– the kind of ‘business’ they were planning and building together.  They had a vision for their marriage, and that was to be happy and enjoy life.  But they had not taken the next step of working through the important mechanics of joint ownership that are crucial in any marriage, just as they are in business.  Unfortunately, when they began this work, they discovered the action plans they each had developed to guide their progress as a family were distinctly different.

In working together on this goal, just about any relationship you design will represent a 50/50 partnership because you both will be agreeing to a shared vision and plan for your marriage.  The visions and plans that are truly shared do not and will not move forward without the consenting vote of both owners.

Once you have generated a single shared vision, the next step is to translate it into action by creating a working plan together.  This plan should be designed to make things happen, to strengthen and solidify your partnership, and to help you achieve your goals as you move forward into the future.

Here are some concrete tips for designing your plan of action:

1) As you design your plan, make sure your steps move you forward at a speed that allows you to see progress; if you dawdle along too slowly, you may become discouraged.

2) Be discerning about what’s important and what’s not; while grand ideas are key, don’t forget the many smaller points.  Set priorities– you don’t want to be planning forever!

3) Focus on contributing, not on critiquing your partner’s contributions.

4) Be sure you include discussion on the division of chores.  Nailing down an effective way of consistently taking care of these responsibilities is essential to the success of any company relationship.  Someone has to take out the trash!!’

5) Brainstorm often and be innovative in finding steps forward.

6) When planning, write down a description of your ideal marital vision and refer to it often.

7) Don’t take a backseat to your partner.  The success of fulfilling your ideal vision requires both of you to act as visionaries.

8) While planning is certainly work, forget perfectionism and remember to have fun!  This is your own, unique ‘company!”

9) Set specific meetings for specific topics; for example, make your vision the focus for one session,cover strategizing at another, plan operational tasks for a third.

10) Continually look for those things that are in the best interest of the marriage; keep this idea current.

No, marriage isn’t supposed to sound so hard and unattractive.  But the goal is to get a foundation for your partnership and build forward.  It’s easier to ‘do your homework’  before the wedding than after.

Preface for MARRIAGE IS A BUSINESS

Posted by marriageisabusiness on December 8, 2013
Posted in: books, Business, Holiday Stress, Leadership, Marriage, Mental Health, Psychology, Relationships, Self-help, self-help books, Uncategorized. Tagged: , , , , , , , , . Leave a comment

Psychology, in all its glorious complexity, is the study of the individual. This complexity is found in all the features that make each person unique– our complex brain and elaborate emotional system, for instance– and then is amplified by environmental influences.  To attempt to discuss the full range of human intricacy is far beyond the scope of this book. In fact, discussion of the abstract and infinite ways psychology impacts our lives could fill countless libraries.

Rather than exercising such a broad reach, the goal of this book is to reduce such complexity.  This is accomplished by first looking to the world of business– a world filled with concrete goals, defined processes, and recognizable structures designed to work together to produce a successful outcome.  Commonly used business practices familiar to many in today’s workforce are presented as effective tools for managing the daily requirements and conflicts of married life.

A Business Model??  Really??

By far the most common reaction to MARRIAGE IS A BUSINESS is one of slight skepticism.  Why would anyone try to apply business techniques to marriage, or any kind of relationship for that matter?  Isn’t it comparing apples to oranges, board rooms to bedrooms, profits to passion?  The fact that few can see the similarities between running a successful business and navigating a successful marriage attests to the current lack of realism in our culture’s view of how to achieve a happy marriage.

My approach to establishing an effective foundation for a marriage that works comes from over 20 years of work as a therapist.  In that time, I have defined and refined the tools that I believe make the most difference to couples whose relationships are in trouble. These tools are not emotion-based therapeutic improvisations or pathways for exploring past traumas and hurts.  While they and other valid therapeutic approaches all have their place, my vision for helping couples achieve a strong relationship centers on handling the business of marriage very,very well, and this requires a lot of self-discipline, a strong work ethic,and yes, some business savvy.  I believe this  book fills a gap that has been left by other self-help and therapeutic approaches.  It highlights the importance of being able to manage one’s self and one’s relationships, and addresses problems and obstacles others do not.

Over time, there have been innumerable requests from my clients for “something in writing.”  Some felt a need to have a reference in hand as they negotiated the challenges of daily married life at home, while others wanted to pass on information to a friend whose marriage was struggling.  Thus, this book was born to fill a concrete need expressed by the real people with whom I’ve had the privilege of working, in the belief that it represents a similar need within the larger population with its persistent 50% divorce rate.

A Psychological Primer

Along with practical skills, a good marriage also requires a certain level of self-awareness and the ability to balance and integrate our thoughtful selves with our emotional selves.  Thus, a second crucial element of this book is a simple, easy, straightforward understanding of how individuals can manage themselves psychologically, both as independent selves and within a relationship.

The basic psychological concepts presented here are limited to thoughts and feelings,  and the interplay between the two.  Only when a person comes to understand this interplay within themselves (i.e., learn psychological self-management) can he or she then explore more complicated psychological issues.  My business model requires people to keep their intellect continuously switched on as they manage their emotions through adulthood and learn how to integrate thoughts and feelings.  When people decide to include marriage in their lives– an important yet complex life option– this integration of heart and mind must be extended from internal self-management to external relationship management.

When exploring any new field of knowledge, one must learn the basics before advancing to more in-depth material.  Thus, this book is meant to serve as a psychological primer with information that is fundamental to more advanced psychological knowledge.  To explore any additional psychological complexities would tax the novice reader of marital self-help material, add unnecessary confusion, and perhaps even sabotage any new understanding the reader might glean from the information presented.  As a result, readers will not find discussions of the roles of love, sex, intimacy, or other typical relationship topics in this book.  Of course, these psychological themes are important to building a deep, high-quality relationship.  However, this book was written specifically to help readers master a simple, basic, initial step toward self- and relationship management.

Too many divorces continue to take place; too much emotional devastation continues to negatively affect too many men, women, and, of course, children.  I have heard time and time again my clients declare, “I think people need to know all this before they get married,” or “I wish I had known all this awhile ago,” and”I don’t know what happened or what to do.”  This book was written to dispel the unwanted lack of information expressed in those statements and teach people how they can successfully enter into and maintain a marriage.  Nothing more complex than that.

Our culture remains persistently unaware (or perhaps avoidant) of how few marriages last and make it to the traditional “til death do us  part” wedding commitment.  To achieve a lifetime of rewarding marriage, both partners need the tools, the commitment, and the discipline to integrate management of their thoughts,their feelings, and their relationship.  I believe that with these elements in place, a marriage can flourish and bring much joy into the  shared lives of committed couples.

Designing a Balanced Partnership Between Husband and Wife, Part II

Posted by marriageisabusiness on November 18, 2013
Posted in: Holiday Stress, Marriage, Mental Health, Partnerships, Psychology, Relationships, Self-help, Uncategorized, weddings. Tagged: , , , , , , , , . Leave a comment

Below are additional exercises to further your understanding of how you and your spouse view your marriage as a working ‘business.’  Again, after answering the items, share your information with your spouse, not to generate emotional tension (Companies don’t hire us for our feelings; they hire us to use our intellect!), but to compile or brainstorm ideas that can then be used to mold into a unified vision that works for each of you!

Exercise #1: Reaching for an Objective Perspective

Imagine yourself being hired as a consultant by you and your partner to help strengthen your team approach.  What feedback would you offer to both the partnership and to each individual owner?  Remember, each of you is expecting the marriage ‘company’ to bring quality to your lives!  What are each person’s strengths and what skills would you suggest need improvement?  Remember, you are being hired to produce results!  How confident are you that your suggested improvements will maximize the relationship for both partners?

Exercise #2: Identifying Different Perspectives

Take some time to write down a sentence or two in response to each term or phrase on the list below, then share what you have written with each other.  The purpose of this exercise is to clarify how each of you sees your marriage as it appears through the lens of a business model application.  Don’t be surprised or concerned to find differences in perspective and in your approach to answering these terms.  In fact, expect to be surprised!  With this exercise, imagine yourself  ‘interviewing’ your spouse (whom you’ve already hired!) and learning his/her ‘style’ of intellectualizing things so you can better learn how to work side by side, together, happily, for 50 years!

Exercise #3:  Standing Together on Common Ground

So just how different are your ideas of a “joint partnership?”  If you have some issues to work through before you can come to a solid agreement, then try working together to compile a joint list of duties, chores, etc. that have not yet been addressed. Keep the list available and add to it when either of you discovers areas of your relationship that are problematic.  The goal here is to find out where you are in agreement about how to be in joint partnership with each other.  All this discussing, understanding, and agreeing upon what it means to be owners is meant to give your marriage the same kind of clarity that business owners enjoy in their business partnerships.  How ironic that it is easier to achieve a realistic, concrete agreement when talking about owning a business such as a fast-food restaurant, a gift shop, or a sports bar with someone, than when talking about how we want to be married to the person we love!  Let’s bring that transparency and specificity into the marriage partnership as well!

Good luck and have fun creating a quality life together!

Designing a Balanced Partnership Between Husband and Wife, Part I

Posted by marriageisabusiness on November 5, 2013
Posted in: Business, Leadership, Marriage, Marriage Tools, Psychology, Relationships, Self-help. Tagged: , , , , , , , . Leave a comment

Successful business owners take seriously the task of deciding who will do what to keep the business going and growing.  With each of you committing to contribute an equivalent amount of time, energy, and effort, any “division of labor” that fits you as partners will work, as long as you both agree on the contributions required from each of you.  There needs to be a mutuality in both commitment level and workload in order for  you to maintain a balanced relationship.

 

Achieving such a balance can be a challenge, however.  Personal, societal, and gender expectations all impact how couples look at sharing power and responsibility in their marriage.  Many couples have ideas about sharing ownership in their marriage that are wildly  different.  One husband attending therapy thought his half of joint ownership in the marriage was made up of making the financial decisions (since he was earning the money) and his wife’s half involved getting to decorate (and clean) the house.  The wife in another client couple described her contribution to the marriage as returning to school and continuing to pursue her passion for playing competitive tennis. Her stymied and frustrated husband could not understand where the money was going to come from, how their  home was going to be managed, and just what her role in managing the partnership business would going to be.

Below is an exercise to help you understand and work through some of your differences.  Answer each question independently, then share your responses with each other.  This exercise is not to generate conflict but to learn how your spouse views the marriage and the definition of partnership.  Decide whether you do or do not have problems with the “ownership” aspect in your marital business.  Each of you is allowed your unique opinions but,  in the end, you are looking to achieve a mutual understanding of what your partnership is and the direction you want it to go.

 

EXPLORING WHAT HAS ALREADY BEEN ACCOMPLISHED:

1. At what point during your relationship did you view yourselves as partners?

2. When considering marriage, did you both discuss a common vision (e.g., hopes, dreams, goals) of how your marriage would evolve?  Were you in clear agreement on this vision?  What about an agreed-upon definition of ownership as it applies to marriage?  If this was worked out between you at one time, are you still on board with that model definition now?  (When asked, “What is the ownership arrangement in your marriage?” just about every couple comes out with two markedly different answers.  There are always two different views of the contributions of each partner as well as their descriptions, and a good deal of surprise at the extent of the differences!)  Differences don’t have to necessarily be troubling.  Couples have to first be able to intellectually identify the ‘problems’ or lack of agreement before they can then compromise or negotiate agreed upon solutions.

3. Have you discussed and agreed upon your individual contributions to the marriage as well as the “job descriptions” each will undertake?  According to you, what are the “job descriptions” of each spouse?

4. Would you consider your marriage to be a 50/50 balanced partnership?  What changes, if any would you propose?

5. Does your environment encourage both partners to excel in their contributions to the marriage?

 

Each of us has a unique way of visualizing and verbalizing our images of quality relationships.  Your task is to clarify your own images, be able to “see” the images from your partner and combine your goals into a marriage that adds quality to each of your lives.

 

I think you’ll be surprised to find that: a) you probably never spent much time clarifying your goals for being in a successful partnership, b) answering the above questions might not be an easy task  and c) your spouse’s answers to the questions may be delivered to you in a ‘style’ you’re not expecting!

Hope the exercise helps.  Feel free to leave comments or ask questions.

 

 

Partners in Joint Ownership–Part II

Posted by marriageisabusiness on September 16, 2013
Posted in: Business, Communication, Leadership, Marriage, Marriage Tools, Psychology, Relationships, Self-help. Tagged: , , , , . Leave a comment

Have you ever passively ignored your responsibility or aggressively taken on more than your 50% in the decision making process of your marriage?  Passive or aggressive stances lead to hurt, anger, distrust, and confusion in meeting marital goals.  It’s important that, as equal partners, you both take active and balanced roles in voting.   By passively allowing your partner to decide for you or define your role, you are not holding up to your end of the marriage deal.  Have you ever said or thought:

  • I just don’t care, you decide.
  • I want (my partner) to pick.
  • I don’t know.
  • I’m afraid (my partner) will get upset.
  • It doesn’t matter what I think.
  • I doesn’t matter anymore, I give up.
  • I don’t want a fight.

 

Or have you ever used the ‘silent treatment’ and refused to talk?  If so, then you could be holding your partner responsible for something that is actually part of your job description:  the safeguarding of your own happiness in your marriage.  In other words, it’s your job to make sure you are pleased with the development and direction of the ‘family business’– your relationship.  That’s what it means to take ownership. Similarly, you are accountable for conflicts that occur when you arbitrarily override your partner, or independently make decisions about the way your role and your partner’s role “should” be carried out.  Have you ever said or thought:

  • It’s easier (or faster) if you just let me take care of it.
  • This really is the only way we can do it.
  • I don’t see why you care much about this.
  • I don’t think we have any other options here.
  • I’m really good at this stuff, why don’t we just let me handle it?

 

This kind of taking over when it comes to decision making is just as problematic as neglecting to step up to the plate.  Grabbing onto power that is not yours can be a subtly manipulative move or a more aggressive, demanding kind of action.  Regardless of your style, insisting on doing things your way is just as much of a roadblock for a healthy relationship as the abdication of responsibility described above.  Remember, you are business owners who actively, responsibly and jointly vote,  50/50, on decisions for the good of the marriage.

 

In designing and building your partnership, consider taking these steps:

  • Create a motivating and positive environment by encouraging each other to excel in your respective work, and move forward.
  • Base your partnership on honesty, trust, mutual respect, recognition of each other, and support.
  • Decide how much time, energy, and effort is needed.  How much are you willing to contribute?  Someone happy with a ‘bare bones’ marriage will not see the need for as much investment in these areas as someone who may be expecting marriage to make up the bulk of his or her satisfaction with life.
  • Clearly define your job descriptions which can be created through a division of chores.  If you have trouble starting, consider the responsibilities of overseeing finances, home management and house cleaning, spiritual needs, career goals, personal health and development needs, recreational pursuits, and family activities as potential items for your list of identified chores.
  • Base your job duties on the strengths and limitations of each partner.  For example, one of you may be good at finances while the other is better at home maintenance.  Draw on each person’s knowledge, experience, intuition, and business sense when setting the course you will take together.  Decide when the one taking responsibility for a specific area should have  the authority to make decisions and choices, remembering to build in room for flexibility as well.  Understand, however, that this is never about generating some kind of power struggle; rather it is about creating an efficient and effective system for handling life’s tasks.  At some point, you might  want to consider doing some ‘cross-training’ in various areas (e.g., finances) to safeguard against running into unexpected problems or having the power differential in a certain area become too lopsided.

 

The goal is to enjoy a quality marriage.  Relying on a 50/50/equal/balanced relationship that has been defined and agreed upon by both of you and that runs smoothly and effectively will allow you to take pride as owners in a relationship that allows you to enjoy life and your time together! 

RICK AND DANA

Posted by marriageisabusiness on August 11, 2013
Posted in: Business, Leadership, Marriage, Psychology, Relationships, Self-help, Uncategorized. Tagged: , , , , , . Leave a comment

Rick and Dana married four years ago, but have recently discussed getting a divorce on several occasions.  They state they have difficulty talking to each other and are experiencing problems with trust. When asked why they got married in the first place, they each say “I don’t know.”  Not only do they not know what they want from their marriage, they haven’t actually worked together as a couple on anything since planning their wedding, and they haven’t considered the option of doing so in preparing for their future, either.  In a sense, they are co-existing in the same house, saying “We’re both independent and each of us likes to do things our own way.”  They have no structure, no agreement, no real partnership.  They have not yet made a start at building or developing a life together.

 

The marriage of Rick and Dana is not unique.  A large percentage of couples marry for love, look forward to having a quality long-term relationship with someone they can grow old with, and expect that quality to remain constant ’til death do us part.’ Then, when the ‘honeymoon phase’ wanes and the quality dissipates , some partners look to each other for answers, or begin to question the viability  of marriage as an option, or deny/avoid the existence of problems until either those problems can no longer be ignored or until it’s too late.

 

The quality of one’s life, one’s relationship, or a company/business that one builds or works for is never a constant.  Quality is something that is defined, designed, and maintained through time as the forces and circumstances of life situations play out.  Quality in one’s life and in one’s relationship is something we have the ability to manage and oversee; we don’t have much “control” or manageability over things external to us. 

Along with many other couples, Rick and Dana viewed their marriage as another acquisition; they took the marriage and their marriage vows for granted.  They assumed that the quality of their marriage would continue, run by love and little else. They moved on to pursue additional goals never really knowing that this ‘acquisition’ would deteriorate and become a burden to each of them.

 

 
Imagine owning a company or, maybe, visualize the company at where you work. How many companies, e.g., fast-food restaurants, retail, technology, accounting, healthcare, etc., can you name that are successful and have no vision, business plan, board meetings to achieve goals, policies/procedures? And, how comfortable or secure would/do you feel working for companies that have no foundation or direction? The same holds true with relationships/marriages. Define your quality relationship and combine that definition with your spouse. Have a vision or direction, complete with some short or long term goals to realize that vision. Logically update your successes and keep working to resolve conflicts.

We don’t spend all our resources to build companies just to watch them deteriorate and fail. We also don’t want to be employed by companies that have no logical foundation to help us fee secure about our jobs. And, most of us don’t set out to share our lives with others just to generate conflict, heartache, failure, loss and emotional bankruptcy.

We get what we put into our relationships. And, if we are looking for quality, we have to contribute just like we would contribute on our everyday jobs.

An Interview with Dr. Secrest

Posted by marriageisabusiness on April 28, 2013
Posted in: Business, Psychology, Self-help. Tagged: , , , , , . 2 Comments

This week Dr. Secrest answers a few questions about her new book, Marriage is a Business. If you have a question you’d like to ask, send it along and she’ll do her best to answer in a future blog.

1. What is your favorite part of this book?
That would have to be the part explaining the different reasons why we need to manage our feelings. For example, regardless of how successful we are in our careers, we still have to understand and remember that emotional self-management is necessary to some degree to allow us to stay successful in those jobs, those career paths. And, we’re not corporate robots – feelings are what make us humans unique! And so the same rules apply in marriage: successful, long-lasting relationships owe something to each partner’s ability to manage their feelings well.

2. Are the stories in the book true ones?
Yes and yes! Yes, they are true and yes, any identifying information (i.e., names, ages, issues, etc.) is obscured to protect the confidentiality of each person. In the mental health world, we take confidentiality very seriously. We protect the privacy of clients so they can more comfortably discuss with us the issues that affect them. Some people have survived tragedies and traumas, others have unfortunate circumstances; many people go through a variety of life-changing events. All of us have stories to tell… we just work to avoid being hampered, burdened, or overwhelmed by the events we encounter.

3. How did you come up with the idea to start using business skills in marriage counseling?
The overall idea came to me about 10 years ago. With clients, I like to incorporate into my work real life examples of tools that can be useful for them. On occasion, corporate couples would seek help in my office, examples from their jobs were used and…voila! The similarities between marital, family, and corporate structure fit smoothly, and seemed to fill a gap concerning how to manage concrete, day-to-day issues that can cause a lot of conflict and friction between a couple. Additional business concepts, like the policies and procedures, board meetings, etc. were eventually added; even couples contributed their own spin to the business model; and so on. I’d like to write more on the similarities between the business model and marriages…we’re actually working on that now!

4. Why does it work?
It works because (a) it’s logical, and there’s logic in the world – stability, foundational consistency, etc., and (b) it’s a model that allows people to relate their working environment, something they can excel in already, to their marital environment. This approach honors the intellectual side of the marital relationship, and it also keeps us focused. Then, to all this concrete problem-solving and goal making, we add the world of feelings and again, take a focused, practical approach that can truly help us take stock, take responsibility, take action and go on to be happy, in love, intimate with each other, etc.